Bees that sting.

Bees that sting
those that live and thrive
on your very love
who take that which you give
so selfishly from your hands
as though
saying
accusingly
"you loved me"

In a split second
your torment begins
not from the sting
but from the fact that the very bees
you did love
have hurt you in vain
for sweet honey
as if in self-gratification

do say

"you loved me"

and yet you give and you give and you give
lest it be so that there is nothing left to give
and yet you do
and they say, with their stingers
little buggers that they really are
"you loved me"

as if to say
"you don't"

I am Here.

Your feeds are probably exploding with 2012 posts. What with a variety of  resolutions scattered about the place, some good and some ridiculous; a mishmash of bring-it-ons about the end of the world.

I am here.

Before 2010 began, my heart was broken (let's just say the guy added insult to injury) and I was beaten down. I said 2010 was going to be the year I found love (or rather, be found by love) and I was hopeful. Let's say  I was in a relationship that year, but things didn't work out with him. Somewhere in the middle of it all, love did find me. New Year's of 2011, I felt hopeful and slightly downtrodden.

Last night, while fireworks surrounded me and as I breathed cold and smoky air, I felt hopeful. I felt like this year is going to be as good as any, because despite how difficult things are, the years that come are still so beautiful.  So much is about to happen that scares me out of my wits, but I am here.

I'm hopeful. I'm scared. I am here.

For Khristan

For Khristan
To the sky that embraces me
None but the unchanging love
Of Sun and Moon
Has enclosed me
In their constant and infinite
Unquestionable union.

 Upon my lips, 
A juvenile thought
Have I believed myself
And said so myself...
 
'I am the Moon.'

Yet over and over
Am I abashed
As rude awakenings 
Wash over me.

You are epiphanic.

 Taking away such poisons
Of the soul, of the Self.

 You are ethereal.

 You are the Sun.

A certain Magnificence

You bring about you
A certain magnificence
The very air that surrounds you
Is enchanting
I am entranced
Besotted

Lost

In the silk
That is your voice

Drowning

In the depth
of your eyes

Oh, Love
That the very thought
Sends me into bliss

Because

You merely
Bring about yourself
A certain magnificence.

Khristan's Party and the bees he brought with him

I mentioned earlier that Tan and I threw an advanced party for his birthday (which is on Thursday the 17th) and it was a lot of fun. I lost almost all of my allowance in the process, what with so much food to be cooked and alcohol to be bought, but it was fun.

The celebrants. 

Tan was so giddy it was ridiculous (and absolutely adorable)

We had a bonfire in our backyard.

(and Ruther would not leave it alone. Seriously. 

There were more than two photos of him tending to the fire)

King likes to bring random girls whose names we always forget, but she was nice.

My best friends Angelica and Anagem 

(and a photobombing pretty girl)

Of course there was booze.

Of course Tan had some of that booze.

What better way to use a cake box?

We had some laughs (and too much food)

and oh god he is so cute when he smiles.

seriously.

He was so cute I had to laugh.

They had this weird modeling thing going on.

(they're more vain than us girls were. We were laughing our asses off inside)

Then there was awkward staring between guys.

It was a fun night. We stayed longer than we should have. My friends and his friends bonded, and I've never seen my socially awkward best friend (the Angelica one) adapt so well to boys, let alone people. 

I hope you had fun, darling. :)

Bad dream.

3:28 am

I just woke up from a terrible dream that continued every time I would go back to sleep.  I can't sleep, my boyfriend isn't picking up (I'm a constant dreamer and when they're bad he made me promise to call him) and I am terrified enough not to want to leave my room and pee.

It wasn't the kind of bad dream that involved ghouls and whatnot, it involved my brother and sister. It came with two beginnings, how I got where I was in the dream and how my brother got where he was in the dream.

Orey and Nicole were with Papa for some reason, driving around in a green car. They picked up this beautiful woman who, for some reason, was supposed to help my dad out for a charity thing. They drove to this side street that looked somewhat reminiscent of that you would see in a Jackie Chan movie or something. The lady, who looked like the typical person who should be a Filipino celebrity worked at a 7-Eleven and my brother had this vibe about him that felt like he was Tan and not my brother. I don't think he even looked like my brother, it's a tad confusing.

I was with my mom and we were walking down from SM. She said she was feeling sorry for one of my classmates (who was my classmate last semester, in which class I also gave a bad evaluation to so I think she hates me in real life) so she decided she wanted to feed us both. She then held onto my mom and it was very strange, and the next thing I know I was on a bus to Manila.

Going back to my brother and sister at the side street, I saw my brother and the lady talking. I was there and I saw them, and my brother told me to go to my room. I did, and it looked exactly like the one I'm in now. While they were talking to each other I saw them agree on something. The next time I opened the door, my brother was on the floor and the woman was naked and chained and bloody. Her legs were open and they had cellphones.

I asked my brother what they were doing. He went into my room and told me they were earning money. It was scary to see that, and even scarier to hear that he could not leave. I told him we should go because Papa was waiting but he said that was the thing. He did nothing and the man who was paying him would come down the stairs (the place seemed very much like our house) every time my brother's alarm would go off. For some reason my sister was suddenly in my room with me, and we were stuck there. We couldn't leave because my brother's "boss" would kill us, and we couldn't call the police because as soon as the "boss" would hear them he would kill my brother and the anonymous woman.

Nicole and I were trapped for days, and my brother would no longer come and see us. For some reason I remember eating chicken with my sister, and giving her the piece that wasn't spicy so she could eat. I was terrified to leave her and find help but she and I were hidden and safe from the world because my room was a safe place. I went out and tried to run when the man went back upstairs. I tried to get my brother but he couldn't go. I had his phone and I used my own to call the police.

They came and saved other people, but failed to bring us along. I didn't know what to do. I brought my sister with me the next time the bad man went upstairs and the police arrived and put us in a tent. My brother still wasn't there. My sister and I were transported home to what looked like our house here in Baguio but was supposedly our house in Manila. My mother was home from Jakarta and she said we would be okay. I discovered that my brother's cellphone had a microchip tracker thing that let the bad man know where he was. I didn't know where my brother was and I was scared. I asked my mom if I could come back home so I wouldn't miss school but she said it might not be safe yet.

My nanny (who should be in Baguio) was there and the neighborhood even looked like the one here. She said a man had come to get us and he had a sword. He used it to tap our door constantly until he saw me peeking from the window. He looked straight up at me and I was terribly afraid. He started climbing our wall and he destroyed the window.

The last part of my dream involved trying to lock the door from the outside and miserably failing.

As I lay down to rest.

11.11.11 eh?

Tan and I threw an advanced birthday party for him because we reckoned he would have to spend his actual birthday weekend with his parents. I won't go into detail just yet because I am much too lazy to screen photos and put them on here. Anyway, the party was fun. At the end of the night (more like beginning of the next day) Tan lay down next to me and said it was "Friend appreciation day" because of how we grew closer to each other's friends at the party.

It was a good day overall. I'm glad to know his friends and to have at least some communication with them, and I'm glad he loves my friends as much as I love them. His friends are so endearing and funny and clever and sometimes not, they're so lovely to be around.

Now it is almost 11 in the morning, I am tired and I just showered and I am about to get some more sleep. As I lay down to rest I think about him. Yesterday wasn't only "Friend Appreciation Day" for the both of us. It was "We're-tired-now-but-happy-and-I-love-you-so-much-more-because-you-are-so-wonderful-I-will-sleep-next-to-you-now-and-embrace-you-through-the-night-with-a-smile Day" and I love days like those.

11.11.11 is the wishing day they say, but with Khristan everyday is the wish fulfillment day.

Goodnight, love. I will see you later.